CONFESSIONS....

The Confession
So this pass weekend I decided to call my 2 vey close BFF's and tell them what I have been through, well not the whole story. I am not sure why but it came to me while running around doing errands and I really miss them (we all live in different cities) so maybe blame it on my mood. We did conference call I took a deep breath and  blurted out "I recently had a miscarriage and did the D & C on 5/1/2012." Complete silence, then tears, then hugs via phone then a little anger from the ladies for me keeping it to myself and dealing with it alone. It was like a huge weight was lifted off of me after telling them, I didnt realize just how tense this was for me until I did this, it was like a little cleansing sort of like spring cleaning I guess. They still do not know that I did MINI IVF and I probably wont share that part for sometime if ever.  I just wanted the support of my ladies and I got it. I didn't tell DH I spilled the beans but I just couldnt hold onto this from them.....not that part at least.

SLACKING-DH noticed that I have been slacking off with respect to attending church. As a matter of fact , I do not think I have been since March. They call and leave messages and I do not return them.......I kind of figured this would happen. It is a test of faith but I remain strong just slightly shaken after this whole ordeal it is not like I am mad at God as I was  when I lost my Dad...but back then I think I stopped being religious and believing in God for a long time. I could not believe that I deserved that kind of pain....to loose my Dad. In this situation I spirit is somewhat broken and each day it gets better, I just do not want to go in there feeling this way and having to explain anything I suppose. When I am ready I will return, for now I live by Faith.

NOW THE FUN STUFF

CAKE PIC COURTESY OF PINTEREST

The clock is ticking and wedding planning is underway, truthfully I am lazily doing it. I have  in my head how I think I want it....I think. See what I mean I am just not so sure and the little annoying details are driving me crazy. I noticed that when people know you are getting married....they give confusing freaking decorating advice, just more crap to "muck" up my thoughts. I am just so tired everyday after work that I am just not into doing it and forget about emails....I haven't had a chance to really go through those either. My thoughts are filled with pompanders, DIY projects, budget and weightloss. 

I know I am going to hire a Day of Coordinator because trying to do it all is overwhelming.

I wanted to pat myself on the back here because I did loose 9 pounds in 7 days....while my methods are currenty UNHEALTHY sshhh do not tell my doctor. I was desperate, I hated all this weight I gained so much so I do not plan on trying on wedding dresses until I am a certain number on the scale. YES I am being obnoxious but I am entitled it is for a wedding damn it. Anyway my method? Basically starvation -Breakfast is a cereal bar or fruit, Lunch-Jimmy Johns slim sub turkey with no cheese, mayo or soup or a fruit cup. Dinner-banana has been the staple or nothing for about 4 days or so now. DH would kill me if he realized , so what he doesnt know wont hurt him.  I am well aware that these methods are not only dangerous but not long term, I just had to do something drastic in my opinion to get the show on the road. It is making me dizzy though and weak because not much food substance but I plan to stop in another week, just before I do a check up. At that time I plan to invest in the INSANITY WORKOUT DVD for 60 days or P90X for 90 days whichever I can get my hands on first. Sometimes you have to do what you have to do to get what you want.

WHAT TIME IS IT?

I have been incredibly busy or maybe I would like to think so just in the hopes of me  not thinking about the miscarriage. Anyway while I did close the chapter on  my mini IVF journey on my other blog for now which is http://www.ivfohmy.blogspot.com/  the ending really is the finality of the D & C I had to do this past tuesday morning. It was just so.......FINAL. Everyone in the Doctor's office tried to be so supportive and nice to me but the reality is I was there to confirm the ending of a pregnancy I wanted more than anything I could of  imagined. The pain was similar to me loosing my dad....but I started to focus on the positive because as I mentioned with starting this new blog....it's time to heal. I saw this pic and that is EXACTLY how I feel... am thankful regardless of the way I feel.

DH (Dear Heart) was with me and spent the day catering to me for the most part while he tried to sleep as he did work the night before. Against his wishes I decided to see my primary doctor the same day in the afternoon, I was feeling okay just crampy but I am tough. Anyway of course his concerm is the rapid weight gain in such a short period of time so YEP time to get my butt in gear.

 TIME FOR ME
I have a spa day planned with the girls next weekend, the masseuse is supposedly some hot guy, my friend...married friend has been drooling at for some time. LOL eye candy is good candy she says. Anyway I cancelled my trip for memorial weekend out of town so plans have changed and I have to find something interesting to keep me busy ALL weekend. 

WEDDING PLANNING

ARRGGGHHHH is the best way to describe my mood about it. I love EVENT planning but  when it is for SOME ONE ELSE!!.I love to be inspired and to create themes so why can't I come up with my own wedding plans? I feel like my creative juices are not flowing. At the moment lots of blank stares, confusion, and just me shoving things aside only to realize that the time is winding down. I refuse to commit to a dress until I loose at least 15 pounds (goal is 25) Our budget is really tight too, I have fantasized about just going to Vegas and skipping the headache but I want to enjoy that day with family and friends. The theme for me really is to dance the night away...nothing too fancy. I have been on the wedding boards alot and it brings me some sanity relief but it has its share of stresses too...check out http://www.weddingbee.com/  I really like that site. I am almost done with our wedding website on the the knot but to be honest it is BORING...there isnt much you can do so I am going to try to find other free sites so I can do something with more of our personalities which for the most part is fun loving. Truth be told DH is the laid back one between us, I tend to think of the what if's and he tells me to just live and whatever happens happens....I am learning so much from being with him....He truly is very simple and doesnt allow the little things to complicate life. I wish we were celebrating me being a mother soon but God knows best so we have accepted that, now let me work on becoming a wife and planning this wedding.

There goes our weekend

We should be waking up in Key West gaving at beautiful blue waters right now but oh no.....an unexpected change, as always. Me and DH were so stoked, considering the week I have had I so wanted to get away until the phone call.

To keep the melodrama short, the nurse called last minute might I add to advise that the D & C is 8am tuesday, they need blood work to confirm my blood type and oh yeah my insurance wont cover it all I have to pay $400... WHAT? This insurance is the worse I have ever had, I absolutely hate it, anyway while me and DH could have still gone out of town,  we knew that it would have easily meant that going away AND me and him missing work for the D & C will add up to too much and WE ARE saving for the wedding and paying any credit card debts we have at once,  so no need to go spend the extra money and we would have. Everytime we are saving and things "seem ok" we get an unexpected turn, my mom told me 2 days ago not to worry she would help us with a little money for the wedding. I hope she is telling the truth we need every help we can get

He is such a great guy though, he surprised me with a great dinner, and isnt concerned about the change of plans while I on the other hand am sad we couldn't get some free time away from here, away from life, away from it all. I love him so and I want to re-connect with him. EVERYTHING has been about going through the Mini IVF cycle, stimming, injections, monitoring, getting pregnant, and dealing with the loss through miscarriage all in the last few months of our lives. I want us to get back to US. I am sure many other couples can relate that once you get caught up in the IVF process it is almost like your life stops, that you talk about or all that you seem to think about. DH wants us to try to see if we could get pregnant on our own.......I said okay but in my heart I know......the odds of that happening......hhmmmmmmm anyway lets move on shall we.

On the FLIP SIDE

It's Wedding Planning focus time, so I will be talking about it alot so forgive me now, event planning is my hobby and it keeps my mind busy. Admittedly my creative juices are not flowing but I know once they return from la la land I will be posting some great DIY things I will be experimenting with. There are a few projects I said I want to take on, making our own photobooth and our backdrop...good luck to me with this since I am a clutz with tools and DH is not the most handiest either, let's see how this goes.

Do you watch my BIG FAT GYPSY WEDDING? OMG I like watching that show but oddly my reasons are for mere fascination, sadness and for laughs. I mean 14, 15, 16 year olds getting married? I suppose it is the culture and ths size dresses?  WHY is usually what comes out of my mouth. Another reason i enjoy the  show is to watch just how people's injustices and bias can affect a community. I told DH if I won the lotto I would move to England and build a huge ballroom so the gypsy's can get married at venue.....it is simple I would not have much of any competition because they are alienated so much. It's early in the morning and I am rambling......maybe after some breakfast, clear head, and some clearer thoughts I can write something of more substance... :-) bare with me..tough week.

A New Beginning...

I transitioned my blog here because the TTC ( Trying To Conceive ) chapter in my life is on hold until my body gets back to normal after waiting so many years to get pregnant, getting there and having a miscarriage. DH and I will need to get our finances in order so we can try MINI IVF again which may not be for some time. My guess is a year unless by some miracle I become pregnant on my own with my busted tubes. I actually am considering both adoption ( DH is not on board just yet) or to temporarily move to an IVF insurance mandated state for a year or 2. Let's face it, I am not getting any younger and want to be pregnant within the 2 years and to have my baby.

I will dedicate this blog on my life, my challenges, and the planning of our upcoming wedding.

It's  times for a new beginning......