CONFESSIONS....

The Confession
So this pass weekend I decided to call my 2 vey close BFF's and tell them what I have been through, well not the whole story. I am not sure why but it came to me while running around doing errands and I really miss them (we all live in different cities) so maybe blame it on my mood. We did conference call I took a deep breath and  blurted out "I recently had a miscarriage and did the D & C on 5/1/2012." Complete silence, then tears, then hugs via phone then a little anger from the ladies for me keeping it to myself and dealing with it alone. It was like a huge weight was lifted off of me after telling them, I didnt realize just how tense this was for me until I did this, it was like a little cleansing sort of like spring cleaning I guess. They still do not know that I did MINI IVF and I probably wont share that part for sometime if ever.  I just wanted the support of my ladies and I got it. I didn't tell DH I spilled the beans but I just couldnt hold onto this from them.....not that part at least.

SLACKING-DH noticed that I have been slacking off with respect to attending church. As a matter of fact , I do not think I have been since March. They call and leave messages and I do not return them.......I kind of figured this would happen. It is a test of faith but I remain strong just slightly shaken after this whole ordeal it is not like I am mad at God as I was  when I lost my Dad...but back then I think I stopped being religious and believing in God for a long time. I could not believe that I deserved that kind of pain....to loose my Dad. In this situation I spirit is somewhat broken and each day it gets better, I just do not want to go in there feeling this way and having to explain anything I suppose. When I am ready I will return, for now I live by Faith.

NOW THE FUN STUFF

CAKE PIC COURTESY OF PINTEREST

The clock is ticking and wedding planning is underway, truthfully I am lazily doing it. I have  in my head how I think I want it....I think. See what I mean I am just not so sure and the little annoying details are driving me crazy. I noticed that when people know you are getting married....they give confusing freaking decorating advice, just more crap to "muck" up my thoughts. I am just so tired everyday after work that I am just not into doing it and forget about emails....I haven't had a chance to really go through those either. My thoughts are filled with pompanders, DIY projects, budget and weightloss. 

I know I am going to hire a Day of Coordinator because trying to do it all is overwhelming.

I wanted to pat myself on the back here because I did loose 9 pounds in 7 days....while my methods are currenty UNHEALTHY sshhh do not tell my doctor. I was desperate, I hated all this weight I gained so much so I do not plan on trying on wedding dresses until I am a certain number on the scale. YES I am being obnoxious but I am entitled it is for a wedding damn it. Anyway my method? Basically starvation -Breakfast is a cereal bar or fruit, Lunch-Jimmy Johns slim sub turkey with no cheese, mayo or soup or a fruit cup. Dinner-banana has been the staple or nothing for about 4 days or so now. DH would kill me if he realized , so what he doesnt know wont hurt him.  I am well aware that these methods are not only dangerous but not long term, I just had to do something drastic in my opinion to get the show on the road. It is making me dizzy though and weak because not much food substance but I plan to stop in another week, just before I do a check up. At that time I plan to invest in the INSANITY WORKOUT DVD for 60 days or P90X for 90 days whichever I can get my hands on first. Sometimes you have to do what you have to do to get what you want.