CONFESSIONS....

The Confession
So this pass weekend I decided to call my 2 vey close BFF's and tell them what I have been through, well not the whole story. I am not sure why but it came to me while running around doing errands and I really miss them (we all live in different cities) so maybe blame it on my mood. We did conference call I took a deep breath and  blurted out "I recently had a miscarriage and did the D & C on 5/1/2012." Complete silence, then tears, then hugs via phone then a little anger from the ladies for me keeping it to myself and dealing with it alone. It was like a huge weight was lifted off of me after telling them, I didnt realize just how tense this was for me until I did this, it was like a little cleansing sort of like spring cleaning I guess. They still do not know that I did MINI IVF and I probably wont share that part for sometime if ever.  I just wanted the support of my ladies and I got it. I didn't tell DH I spilled the beans but I just couldnt hold onto this from them.....not that part at least.

SLACKING-DH noticed that I have been slacking off with respect to attending church. As a matter of fact , I do not think I have been since March. They call and leave messages and I do not return them.......I kind of figured this would happen. It is a test of faith but I remain strong just slightly shaken after this whole ordeal it is not like I am mad at God as I was  when I lost my Dad...but back then I think I stopped being religious and believing in God for a long time. I could not believe that I deserved that kind of pain....to loose my Dad. In this situation I spirit is somewhat broken and each day it gets better, I just do not want to go in there feeling this way and having to explain anything I suppose. When I am ready I will return, for now I live by Faith.

NOW THE FUN STUFF

CAKE PIC COURTESY OF PINTEREST

The clock is ticking and wedding planning is underway, truthfully I am lazily doing it. I have  in my head how I think I want it....I think. See what I mean I am just not so sure and the little annoying details are driving me crazy. I noticed that when people know you are getting married....they give confusing freaking decorating advice, just more crap to "muck" up my thoughts. I am just so tired everyday after work that I am just not into doing it and forget about emails....I haven't had a chance to really go through those either. My thoughts are filled with pompanders, DIY projects, budget and weightloss. 

I know I am going to hire a Day of Coordinator because trying to do it all is overwhelming.

I wanted to pat myself on the back here because I did loose 9 pounds in 7 days....while my methods are currenty UNHEALTHY sshhh do not tell my doctor. I was desperate, I hated all this weight I gained so much so I do not plan on trying on wedding dresses until I am a certain number on the scale. YES I am being obnoxious but I am entitled it is for a wedding damn it. Anyway my method? Basically starvation -Breakfast is a cereal bar or fruit, Lunch-Jimmy Johns slim sub turkey with no cheese, mayo or soup or a fruit cup. Dinner-banana has been the staple or nothing for about 4 days or so now. DH would kill me if he realized , so what he doesnt know wont hurt him.  I am well aware that these methods are not only dangerous but not long term, I just had to do something drastic in my opinion to get the show on the road. It is making me dizzy though and weak because not much food substance but I plan to stop in another week, just before I do a check up. At that time I plan to invest in the INSANITY WORKOUT DVD for 60 days or P90X for 90 days whichever I can get my hands on first. Sometimes you have to do what you have to do to get what you want.

WHAT TIME IS IT?

I have been incredibly busy or maybe I would like to think so just in the hopes of me  not thinking about the miscarriage. Anyway while I did close the chapter on  my mini IVF journey on my other blog for now which is http://www.ivfohmy.blogspot.com/  the ending really is the finality of the D & C I had to do this past tuesday morning. It was just so.......FINAL. Everyone in the Doctor's office tried to be so supportive and nice to me but the reality is I was there to confirm the ending of a pregnancy I wanted more than anything I could of  imagined. The pain was similar to me loosing my dad....but I started to focus on the positive because as I mentioned with starting this new blog....it's time to heal. I saw this pic and that is EXACTLY how I feel... am thankful regardless of the way I feel.

DH (Dear Heart) was with me and spent the day catering to me for the most part while he tried to sleep as he did work the night before. Against his wishes I decided to see my primary doctor the same day in the afternoon, I was feeling okay just crampy but I am tough. Anyway of course his concerm is the rapid weight gain in such a short period of time so YEP time to get my butt in gear.

 TIME FOR ME
I have a spa day planned with the girls next weekend, the masseuse is supposedly some hot guy, my friend...married friend has been drooling at for some time. LOL eye candy is good candy she says. Anyway I cancelled my trip for memorial weekend out of town so plans have changed and I have to find something interesting to keep me busy ALL weekend. 

WEDDING PLANNING

ARRGGGHHHH is the best way to describe my mood about it. I love EVENT planning but  when it is for SOME ONE ELSE!!.I love to be inspired and to create themes so why can't I come up with my own wedding plans? I feel like my creative juices are not flowing. At the moment lots of blank stares, confusion, and just me shoving things aside only to realize that the time is winding down. I refuse to commit to a dress until I loose at least 15 pounds (goal is 25) Our budget is really tight too, I have fantasized about just going to Vegas and skipping the headache but I want to enjoy that day with family and friends. The theme for me really is to dance the night away...nothing too fancy. I have been on the wedding boards alot and it brings me some sanity relief but it has its share of stresses too...check out http://www.weddingbee.com/  I really like that site. I am almost done with our wedding website on the the knot but to be honest it is BORING...there isnt much you can do so I am going to try to find other free sites so I can do something with more of our personalities which for the most part is fun loving. Truth be told DH is the laid back one between us, I tend to think of the what if's and he tells me to just live and whatever happens happens....I am learning so much from being with him....He truly is very simple and doesnt allow the little things to complicate life. I wish we were celebrating me being a mother soon but God knows best so we have accepted that, now let me work on becoming a wife and planning this wedding.